DEALING WITH IN-LAWS

Conflict with inlaws may be an interesting topic for comedians, but in real life, it is not a laughing matter. “For years, my mother-in-law interfered in our marriage,” says a wife. “Often, I vented my anger on my husband because I could not do that to his mother. It seemed as if he constantly had to choose between being a good husband and being a good son.” Why do some in-laws interfere in the lives of their married children? It may be difficult for them to see someone young and inexperienced become responsible for taking care of their son or daughter. Another reason could be, parents who have sacrificed for and nurtured their children may feel that they are being sidelined. Also, they could be genuinely worried that their son or daughter lacks the wisdom to make marriage a success. Sometimes, the in-laws are invited to interfere. One husband says, “my wife came from a closeknit family where everyone discussed things openly. So, after we got married, she would consult her father on decisions that were ours to make. I was hurt that she would go to him instead of discussing with me.” Issues with in-laws can put much strain. It is a challenge if one partner is overly attached to his or her parents. “My wife felt that if we didn’t live near her parents, she would be disloyal to them, and when our son was born, my parents came to visit every day, which made my wife stressed. This caused a number of conflicts between us,” says a husband

Marriage implies more than merely living together. It means that a husband and wife form a new family — one that takes priority over their families of origin. Both husband and wife still need to honour their parents. What if the way one handles that responsibility leaves the other partner feeling ignored or neglected? Looking at the situation objectively helps. For example, it helps to ask oneself, “Is my partner really too attached or could it be that I simply do not have the same type of relationship with my parents? What bearing does my family background have on my view of the situation? Is it jealousy?” An honest self-examination of these questions will show if there really is an in-laws problem or a marriage problem. In-laws’ issues are a constant source of contention between the marriage partners. Many problems arise because partners do not share the same view of a matter. Can one try to see things from his/her partner’s perspective?

That is what a husband did. “My wife was raised in a negative family environment, so I refused to have any association with my in-laws. This caused conflict between us because my wife still wanted to be close to her family.” In time, this husband took a balanced position on the matter. He said, “I knew that too much contact with her parents had a negative effect on my wife emotionally, no contact at all, could also lead to problems. I have tried to restore and maintain a good relationship with my in-laws.” At times, the in-laws constantly interfere giving unsolicited advice. “The first ten years of our marriage were spent with my husband’s family. Conflicts arose continually over how children should be raised as well as over my cooking and cleaning. I talked to my husband and my mother-in-law about it, but this only led to more conflict,” says a wife. Some couples establish appropriate boundaries with their parents. Also, in a spirit of empathy, one can try to discern the motive behind the seeming intrusion. Often, it is just a matter of making it clear by one’s actions that one’s partner comes first in one’s life. One husband says, “even if parents express their views, don’t just agree right away, since you are building a new family unit. So first find out how your partner feels about the advice.” “My mother-in-law often says, ‘I miss my boy so much!’ She talks about how close they were, which makes me feel guilty for marrying him and causing her heartache,” says a wife. One of the basic tasks of marriage is creating or renewing a sense of solidarity with one’s partner. It also involves developing a sense of ‘we-ness’. A husband and a wife, in a spirit of teamwork, together can brainstorm ways to address each other’s concerns. Having inlaws is like having two new friends, whether one likes it or not, they are family!