Marital Blues TEAMWORK

"Marriage is not a solo act. Husband and wife must work together to make it successful,” says a husband. “Teamwork is the essence of marriage. If my husband and I were not a team, we would be roommates instead of marriage mates – two persons who live together but who are not on the same page when it comes to important decisions,” says a wife.

When conflict arises, a husband and wife who are not a team tend to attack each other rather than the problem. Minor issues turn into major hindrances. Instead of thinking, ‘How can I win?’ They must think, ‘How can we both win?’

Teamwork in marriage helps partners to think in terms of “we” rather than “me.” Instead of worrying about who is wrong and who is right, they can focus on achieving peace and unity among themselves.

A husband married for twenty- five years says, “When we disagree, we work out practical solutions instead of wasting time and emotional energy in blaming and accusing each other.

One can ask, ‘To relax fully, do I need to be away from my partner? Do I view the money I earn as all mine? Are there ways I can be more team-oriented with my partner?’

Married couples are two different personalities. In some ways, it is appropriate. It makes their life more interesting and varied. It can help in solving problems. Some situations are better handled when there is teamwork between partners with different abilities.

Sometimes, the difference in personalities creates problems, thus making teamwork difficult. Should a partner then conclude that he/she is hopelessly incompatible?

Appreciating the principle of interdependence helps in building team spirit. Situations and persons can change with time. In many marriages, each partner goes his or her own way. But whenever one makes a real effort to promote peace in daily living, it can go a long way in preventing problems from getting to the point of friction and dissension.

One can overlook and avoid dwelling on hurt feelings. And not shut the door of communication by retiring into his / her shell. By cooperating, couples can solve problems quickly and easily and can accomplish a lot together. A husband says, that married couples are like two gardeners of the same plot. If one decides to plant seeds or wants to use a fertilizer, the other may disagree strongly. Or if one wants to toil daily in the garden, the other might be happy to sit back. In such a scenario, the garden may yield some results, but it would have produced more if both gardeners had agreed and worked together.

Like these gardeners, if just one partner makes effort, the relationship might improve. But, how much better it would be if both agree and work towards the common goal of preserving their relationship?

Teamwork helps in not just coexisting but agreeing on a solution. A wise husband will not dictate or make arbitrary decisions. A husband married for 30 years says, “I try to find a point of agreement with my wife and look for a decision that we can both support.”

“Sometimes there are just different opinions on how to solve a problem. I have found that the key to success is to be flexible and reasonable,” says a wife married for five years.

One may, at times, feel that it is only a sense of duty that is keeping one’s marriage together. Instead of giving to defeatist thinking or writing off the potential for improvement by saying, “We married too young” why not hope for better things and wait patiently for results?

What history does one share with one’s partner? Regardless of the difficulties, one can surely think of pleasant times, accomplishments and challenges that one faced as a team. By reflecting on those occasions, one can work on improving and honouring one’s relationship.

Marriage can be compared to skating partners. An ice-skating couple glides smoothly together. Suddenly, the man lifts his partner and thrusts her into the air. She spins, lands gracefully on one skate, and continues circling with him on the ice. The performance seems effortless. Yet, they cannot do it without practice. Similarly, a good marriage too depends on the coordinated efforts of both partners.

Teamwork helps partners to come together and not move apart. A happily married man sums up the matter this way, “for forty years my wife and I have solved our problems by speaking frankly and by applying each others’ suggestions!”