PAPA KEHETE HAIN

There is a constant and admittedly vital voice that demands rights for women and equal status as men. Having said that, it would be naïve to assume that men have it rosy. Apropos it’s the very fact that men themselves continue to be victims of patriarchy, they subject the women in their life to patriarchy, resulting in a never-ending cycle of generational trauma and abuse.

It is the omnipresent and pervasive sexism, that a ‘man’ too, is held up to, and judged by a barometer that is undeniably unfair, unrealistic and quite frankly, unsustainable. I’m not in any way trying to minimize or compare it to the deep-rooted patriarchy that women suffer, but suffice it to say that a few incidents and examples will at least provide broad strokes of what I’m on about.

When I moved back to Jaipur from Mumbai at the end of 2013, I remember visiting the local wine shop. My wife Anuja, a staunch genderequalist who’d otherwise instinctively alight the vehicle and fetch the desired contraband in Mumbai, did not disembark! She explained that she wasn’t comfortable and that it would probably be wiser for me to procure the liquor. I followed the sage advice, only to realize that her behaviour would be the least surprising part of this moonshine drive! To cut a long story short, upon uncomfortably observing me having Gin packed, one of the many hangers-around at the wine shop decided to relieve himself of his simmering patriarchal rage, “Whisky nahi toh kam se kam Bhotka to try karo saahab, ye Gin toh lugailog peeve hai!”

More of the same followed when our daughter was born, and my genuine elation was met with terse criticism & judgment. “You wanted a girl?” I have tried desperately to search for a silver lining; wonderful how people are uncensored and uninhibited, is it not?

I used to make it a point to inform our guests that I was the one who selected and arranged the flowers and curated the art; passions that endure, though information thereof, withheld, not out of fear, rather for the mental-comfort of my guests. People feel unsettled, bothered, conscious, awkward, and god-forbid there’s a ‘man’ seen to be ‘dandy’ and/ or, worse still, artistic & home-obsessed!

Is it unfair? You bet! Is it tough to deal with? Of course. It helps that, as a man, I am not subject to this scrutiny regularly, as opposed to my wife. I might even get the Father of the Year award to take care of my child while my wife takes two days off from her duties as a mother!

Over time and with a modicum of wisdom, one can, on occasion, even have fun with it – it may only serve to perplex conditioned onlookers more; at least Anuja & I have a vent, a chance to quietly and harmlessly protest, share a little inside joke, humanize the situation, and once in a blue moon, instigate a tiny shift. How? I always have the cheque at a restaurant redirected to my wife! When asked to move the car in a busy street, I always say “Madam ko ata hai gadi chalana par who toh abhi dukaan mein gayi hain!” Should I be sorry that I can’t be a party to ‘manly’ conversations about women and their vital statistics, or be a co-traveler on bachelor sojourns to Bangkok & Amsterdam (to which I continue to be regularly invited by married men), or contribute to heated exchanges on what stocks to invest in, or show-off specifics of the landparcel I recently acquired, or add my set of spicy ingredients to a spirited potpourri of wife-bashing, or tap-tumblers oozing with pale ale whilst screaming in cheer for a capitalistic-creation that is an IPL team, or curse-in-chorus about having to suffer the drudgery of my own child’s birthday party! The fact is, I am a misfit. An anomaly. An exception. A mutation. An oddity. An alien. I am also someone who a vast section of men themselves can’t process. What do I even do? I teach! I write! I co-run a Mental Wellness platform! The inferences being drawn are palpable, tangible, plentiful and horrifically real. Does it make me bitter, frustrated and angry? It used to. Does it make me alter my outward behavior or demeanor, or question myself and my leanings? Not.

As an Educator who is shamelessly vocal about my mental health struggles, and an individual who vociferously advocates mental help; I know I am inadvertently dissuading schools, institutions, and parents of potential students, from associating with me, because at the very least, if I am in therapy, I MUST be ‘weak’, ‘unstable’, ‘unfit’. This finally brings me to arguably the most tragic fallout of patriarchy rearing its ugly head on men – a ‘man’ who admits he is experiencing any mental distress, is simply not ‘man enough’.

As the co-founder of our modest Mental Wellness Initiative Driveway Devi, and now firmly and fully entrenched in the cause of mental wellness, my deepest sympathies go out to men. Men who can never share their true feelings, emotions, stresses and anxieties. Men who have to seek therapy, literally use back channels where they ask for clinic service entrances to be left open for them (to facilitate hasty entries and exits ensuring they’re never seen), worse still, not having an environment that even allows for dialogue or discussion.

Over the past 11 years I’ve been teaching, it is a conscious endeavor of mine that aside from the communication skills I am propounding, I at least create that safe space for my students. A space and a dynamic where they are liberated, freed from the shackles of expectations & patriarchy. And it has worked. In so many cases, where boys especially, have gone on to confess, confide and develop the courage to be themselves. Shall we, can we, just place a brief pause on ‘papa kehte hain…’ and examine, listen, allow…. ‘bete kya kehete hain’?