Marital Blues: JEALOUSY

Love is comparable to a diamond, a priceless gem with many facets. It is beautiful any way we look at it. Like a diamond with numerous reflecting surfaces, love has many aspects, all good and desirable. It has been said, “Youth is for an hour, beauty is a flower but love is the jewel that wins the heart.”

Suspicion and mistrust result in jealousy. It is a very harmful emotion that can ruin the best of relationships. A suspicious husband sees in his wife what is not there and fails to see what she actually has.

A husband said, “I was under a lot of financial stress due to which I didn’t really communicate with my wife. She came under a lot of pressure. My time- consuming job caused us to clash in jealousy.”

A wife once expressed, “my husband would show jealous reactions whenever I received attention from male colleagues or performed better than him.”

Jealousy can be defined as an emotion that causes an individual to suspect another person without cause, or resent the attention others receive, feeling that he/she alone is entitled to it. This harmful emotion can ruin the best of relationships.

Did a person ever get so enraged at his hand that he used a hammer to beat it or so angry at his neck that he choked himself ? Rather, one readily accommodates one’s own body’s weaknesses and peculiarities. Such accommodation works well with the marriage partner too.

One partner may be insensitive to feelings of jealousy arising in the other. A wife can be jealous because of the attention the husband gives to someone of the opposite sex. Or a wife may shower so much attention on her child or a relative that the husband feels neglected, even resentful. He may show affection to the child but lessen his attention towards his wife. Embarrassed over such feelings, both may remain quiet and show frustration in other negative ways. A high price is paid when both partners lose their balance.

Jealousy that is induced by insecurity and fed by imagination makes partners overly possessive. They fear that an outsider will win the affections of their loved one by luring him/her. This brings anger, anxiety and hatred that leads to violence and physical abuse. The jealous partner may also resort to financial abuse and verbal bullying to alleviate or hide feelings.

Questions one can ask oneself, do I nurture jealousy? Am I quarrelsome? Do I have an aggressive or fighting attitude? Jealousy is revealed as an inordinate desire to glorify oneself and one’s opinions. Such persons do not acknowledge that others can have intelligence equal or superior to them, and are worthy of due credit.

Generally, a husband expresses, “why aren’t you more like me? Why don’t you see things my way or do them as I would?” But peace can be maintained when one readily accepts the other person with his / her weaknesses.

When one disagrees with someone, naturally, a person controls one’s emotions and uses appropriate language. If a partner resorts to violence, screaming or throwing things, then one is behaving like a child. So, if the other partner is regularly defending oneself against unreasonable or accusatory questions, that signals the need to sort out the relationship.

Rather than letting jealousy build up like a head of steam in a boiler until there is a violent explosion, it is better to discuss one’s feelings quietly and not accusingly. Communicating calmly and being honest about feelings builds confidence and mutual understanding.

A husband and wife need to trust one another rather than be envious. Being suspicious and making mountains out of mole hills creates friction. Avoiding situations that give rise to jealousy, and giving the other person benefit of doubt, keeps love flourishing and comforts the heart.

Jealousy turns marriage into an unpleasant prison, but loving attention, consideration and trust brings security

Jealously of one toward his / her partner is good if it is a zeal for the partner’s benefit and well-being. But improper jealousy ruins the marriage.

Both partners desire to be treated with dignity and respect. Each appreciates when the other is an active listener and cares about each others’ feelings. But still when hurt, one can say, “I’m going to do to him / her what he or she did to me.” For a relationship to continue and thrive, one needs to put into it what one hopes to get out of it!