MARITAL BLUES: FORGIVENESS

A scholar once described forgiveness as “the highest and most difficult of all moral lessons.” Some say, “People take advantage of you when you forgive them.” Others say, “that sounds fine in theory, but it is easier said than done.” Many feel that they will never be able to forgive. This is because reactions to personal offences are often emotional. A person feels a sense of betrayal, anger and a desire to take revenge. Forgiveness does not mean that we minimize what has been done or pretend it never occurred. Neither does it mean letting others take advantage of us. Forgiveness is, ceasing to feel resentment because it can do more damage to one’s health and marriage than the offence itself. It is a wellthought-out personal choice that reflects a desire towards maintaining good relationships with others. One husband said, “I cannot control the thoughts and actions of my wife, but I can certainly control my own. If I want peace, I have to let go of resentment. I began to view peace and resentment as north and south. I cannot be in both places at the same time.” One cannot forget the bad things one’s spouse has said or done — the harsh words and thoughtless acts. As a result, affection gets replaced by resentment. Harbouring ill-feeling is like slapping yourself and then expecting the other person to feel the pain. The other partner may be feeling just fine and not at all troubled by any of these feelings. If one tends to rake up issues over minor matters, then one can ask oneself, ‘Could I be more patient with my partner?’

Not every offence needs to be discussed; one can overlook it and choose to be silent. One wife said, “When I feel hurt, I try to calm down first. Often, I realize that the offence was not that serious. Focusing on the positive traits of my partner helps me to fight off anger.” S o m e couples withhold forgiveness to maintain a sort of power over their partner. Then, when a conflict arises, they use a past event as a trump card to gain the upper hand. Others feel, “If I forgive, I am inviting further mistreatment.” Forgiveness allows one to give each other the benefit of doubt. It helps in preventing a wide range of physical and emotional problems such as depression and high blood pressure. A wife said, “One time my husband apologized for something that hurt me deeply. It was hard for me to forgive him. I eventually did but I regret that I didn’t do it sooner. It brought immense strain on our relationship.” One can be easily hurt if he/she is overly sensitive. One therapist said: “If you have been hurt by your partner, it’s because you still care about him/her. So, by retreating, you are not only wounding your mate but destroying yourself. You further dismantle the relationship you wish was whole.”

Often heard are the words, “I don’t get mad, I get even!” Sadly, this statement is a guiding principle for many. Refusing to talk and using the silent treatment as a weapon with which to punish deepens the grudge. Bitterness is like rust that slowly corrodes any relationship. In every situation, a victim can weigh, “Do I remain in severe emotional turmoil, feeling intensely hurt and angry, until the matter is fully resolved?” Putting off forgiveness leads to separation, often followed by feelings of guilt and loneliness. A husband who divorced after fourteen years said, “The disadvantages far outweigh the delights of middle age life without marital ties. Silence can be loud in an empty house. One learns that the bark of the dog, the meow of a cat or the chirp of the bird is no substitute for a human voice… Friends do not close the awful gap that was once filled by someone called wife or husband.” A working woman, divorced and living by herself, had achieved the pinnacle of financial success. But she said, “It’s when I come home and close the door, and know that not a soul cares what I am doing or what is happening to me, that I understand the snare of this so-called freedom.” A happy marriage is a partnership of two good forgivers. Forgiveness brings dual benefits, inner tranquillity as well as peace with others. Above all, true love does not keep account of the wrongs!