'INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY'

I sat there in a cafe across from a dear friend. She admitted that she had been having problems with her husband. My heart went out to her, and I asked how I could help. She said things were under control and they were working on it. I wondered out loud what the magic solution was. She said, “I’ve realized that my man needs to feel like a man. I’ve taken a back seat. He thinks he’s in charge. "It has transformed our relationship!”

There could not be a more accurate situation that describes the word “internalized misogyny.”. The term "misogyny" may conjure images of blatant sexism, discrimination, and violence against women in society. But those are evils we know and fight against. What about the more subtle, nuanced, and prevalent forms that exist, such as internalized misogyny? The acceptance and internalization of misogynistic beliefs and attitudes by us as a society are harming men, women, and relationships! This is the cycle that needs to be broken.

As the mother of a 6-year-old, I have seen firsthand how internalized misogyny has had detrimental effects on me, my fellow mothers, and their relationships. Harmful societal norms and expectations have impacted their mental health, self-worth, and relationships with others. Idealizing motherhood expects women to conform to traditional gender roles as nurturing caregivers and selfless providers for their children. My husband is a communications teacher, and one of his student's classes and the schedule were being coordinated by the father. We, as a family, had long conversations about how the poor child probably was orphaned, and the widowed dad was managing everything. It was only many weeks later, when we bumped into that family at a cafe, that we realized that the family, complete with mother, father, and two children, was not only alive but thriving. The parents had divided the duties between the 2 children equally. But in our perception, the only reason the mother could not be involved was that she had to be dead!

This really got me into introspection mode, and I realized more and more, that there are so many things we just normalize when, in 2023, they probably shouldn’t! Why are diaper-changing stations only in the women’s bathrooms? Why are our feminine hygiene products shrouded in paper, guilt, and shame at the grocery store? Why must we continue to be identified only through our father's or husbands’ names?

This especially manifests when we as women internalize societal messages that devalue femininity and motherhood, leading to feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Harmful gender stereotypes serve to perpetuate inequality and limit a woman's choices and agency in motherhood. On the flip side of the same coin, if you as a woman have chosen to deviate from societal expectations of motherhood, such as choosing not to have children, pursuing a career while being a mother, or parenting in non-traditional ways, may face criticism, judgment, and ostracism from society. My older sister, who is footloose and child-free, has recently experienced PostPartum Depression in her dreams! Such is the internal conflict and guilt, as women may feel the need to conform to societal norms in order to be accepted or respected, even if it goes against their own desires or beliefs. As a result, women may experience strained relationships with themselves and others, as they struggle to reconcile their own values with societal expectations.

And though I’ve barely scratched the surface of this internalized misogyny, let's talk about its impact on relationships with partners and spouses. The very place from which I began. My friend’s husband was not OK when his wife was in -charge of things. He needed to have the upper hand. Similarly, traditional gender roles often place the burden of caregiving and household responsibilities on women, which can lead to an imbalance in relationships where women feel overwhelmed and unsupported. The man’s duty is 9-5. But a woman must give her best 24/7/365!

With the added pressure of being financially independent and remaining solely responsible for child care and household tasks, this uneven distribution of labour within relationships has created an insurmountable strain and resentment in relationships. I hope you realise that my dearest Mom friends. You are not depressed. You do not feel like yourself because you are unsupported and undervalued, leading to feelings of frustration and discontent.

Such imbalanced and unhealthy relationships need a desperate course of correction. Challenge and dismantle misogynistic beliefs and attitudes. This starts with raising awareness and educating women about the existence of internalized misogyny and its impact on their lives. Women need to be empowered to challenge societal norms and expectations that limit their choices. And the next time you say, My husband “allows” me to do whatever I want, think hard about the implications of your words and watch Dil Dhadakne. Do, for its rather beautifully Bollywood but equally real portrayal of internalized misogyny!