HOW TO COUNTER FEAR WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

In such troubled times, many people are having an experience of fear and anxiety, not in passing but as a pervasive mood. For the majority of us, the main coping mechanisms we turn to in the face of anxiety are distraction and denial. Still, this kind of passivity does nothing when bad news mounts daily and people become enmeshed in the matrix of fear without knowing how to escape.

Social forces can drive you to participate in the matrix of fear, but society cannot get you out of it. Escape is something each person must confront on their own. I believe that freeing yourself from fear and anxiety is possible. More than that, you can learn how to be free of anxiety the next time it looms.

The key is to cultivate emotional intelligence (EI). The term attracted a burst of attention years ago, but the value of emotional intelligence never changes, and when you focus on it, you will achieve something worthwhile for life. Here are six principles to guide you through the process.

1. Commit to never complaining, criticizing, or playing the victim.

2. Imagine a creative, positive future for yourself.

3. Don’t regret the past. It no longer exists.

4. Be present in every situation as it occurs.

5. Be independent of other people’s criticism or approval.

6. Be responsive to feedback.

Hardly anyone hits upon these principles by trial and error or through the experience of life. You can live without paying attention to emotional intelligence, and among men, the word “emotion” connotes something undesirable, as if emotions are for women primarily with only occasional moments when a man cannot help from breaking down.

But emotional intelligence is gender neutral. The fact that humans can observe their emotions is a remarkable trait, and once you begin to observe your own emotions, you can counter the power of unwanted emotions like fear and anxiety. Whether we admit it or not, emotions fascinate us, as Hollywood well knows. Empathizing with emotions onscreen is easy and pleasurable, but we are too attached to our own emotions, and it takes very little experience of anxiety, humiliation, and rejection to be wary of emotions generally.

It’s worth saying that developing emotional intelligence isn’t scary or difficult. All you need to do is notice and pay attention. By pausing and standing back a little, you can observe how you are reacting at any given moment. You can even turn the six principles into questions posed to yourself.

• Am I complaining, criticizing, or playing the victim?
• Do I see my future in a creative, positive way?
• Am I pointlessly reliving the past?
• Do I see what’s going on right now?
• Am I afraid of someone else’s criticism or craving their approval?
• Am I listening to what other people are trying to tell me?

These are not mysterious or metaphysical questions. You can pause to ask them any time you want, and all of us should. But we are blocked by old conditioning and the habit of feeling uneasy about our emotions. There is a great deal of social pressure to behave with low emotional intelligence, a kind of dumbing down on the feeling level. As a result, we act in self-defeating ways. To give a few examples, We repeat the same reactions in most situations. We imitate how others behave, starting with our family.

We act on impulse with a second thought. We don’t really see how others are reacting to us. We let negative emotions like fear, anger, envy, and resentment have their way.

We easily go into denial and seek outside distractions. A whole way of life is implied in these examples, and when collective anxiety mounts, as it is right now, people often have little or no idea how to successfully cope. Denial and distraction simply become more intensified, and playing the victim is more tempting than usual.

Alternatively, we tell ourselves that we need to stay in control more than ever. But what is needed isn’t emotional self-control but emotional resilience. Resilience is the most important single aspect of emotional intelligence. You allow your emotions to rise and fall naturally, without trying to stop or control them. Once an emotion has passed, you feel better, and you can return to a state of peace and calm. The opposite of emotional resilience is seen when people are stiff, reserved, bottled up inside, censorious, aloof, proud, or remote. In all of these cases, past experience has made certain emotions unacceptable. The only way to deal with them is through avoidance.

One is reminded of the adage that trees can be blown over by a storm while grasses bend without breaking. Because the mind by nature is restful, alert, quiet, and at peace, that state of balance is the basis for developing emotional intelligence. You need the experience of balance in order to return to it at will.

The experience comes naturally to everyone unless it is thrown off by stress and crisis. Then it takes a bit of intervention on our part, through meditation preferably. Meditation not only returns the mind to its balanced state, but it also allows you to observe what is happening, to experience it directly, and to being wit identify with it. Ultimately, this is how fear can be escaped permanently. Meanwhile, everyone can benefit from lessening the anxiety being experienced all around us. Emotional intelligence goes a very long way to expanding your awareness and making you free of stress and anxiety right now.

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED BY THE AUTHOR ARE PERSONAL

Deepak Chopra, The writer is MD, FACP, FRCP founder of the Chopra Foundation, a non-profit entity for research on well-being and humanitarianism, and Chopra Global